Saturday, 10 December 2011

uncomfortable in time

time is a funny thing. i spent a lot of time in college thinking about it. i wrote papers on the nature of time ... i decided that time was just a measurement for change. like a meter is to distance. that is why time can sometimes go really really fast, when your having fun OR really really slow when you are in a near fatal accident, or your husband tells you he is cheating on you, or you find out you have ALS, or you are BORED TO TEARS. its because of the amount of change occurring in those moments.

so i've realized then that "fun" times for me are times when change is occurring at a particular speed or rate. i kinda like going fast, so i kinda like change, so that is when i'm happiest. even when "bad" things are happening, if i can keep the pace of change either fast or slow enough, i stay grounded, at peace, and even happy.

i also realized that this thing that we then refer to as time, this standardized measure of change, is really destructive for me. i can function perfectly well when i'm allowed to ebb and flow with both my energy levels and the amount of light. but after a number of days of HAVING to be up at a certain moment, i just loose it.

i gave up an alarm clock years ago because the anxiety of the alarm going off was about to cause me a heart attack. i could never come back down from the energy rush of that damned alarm. over the course of this healing process i've been in, i've be able to really disconnect from time restrictions and its amazing what it does for my stress levels.

i've realized that i am as comfortable in standardized time as a fish probably feels in air. i'm not saying get rid of the meausurement. i love having meeting times when they are apropos, but i'm saying we need to rethink our rigidity about time, realize what it is we are talking about, and let go of this random idea's control on our brains.

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